It is true. We tend to turn to prayers when we feel as though we are struggling more so than when we feel we're on top of the world.
Then comes the question; so, do I actually believe in the higher power commonly referred to as God? In short, Yes. At least I want to. I'm choosing to. I know I probably won't be able to justify my reasonings for believing, but I do. Why? Because it gives me something to hold on to. A sense of hope. A hope that my quality of life is being optimised.
Now, does that mean I'm weak? Do I not believe that I am capable of achieving my dreams and goals without God's help? Are my dreams not enough for me to hold on to that I need to turn to a higher power, which I can't see nor touch.
Personally, I think praying is just another way for us to reinstate our dreams and to be clear about what we want in our lives. Some would write their goals and stick it on their walls, just so they could look at it everyday and remind themselves of what they need to be working towards. Just like that, prayers remind us of what we are striving for with the additional benefit that someone up there is hearing us and guiding us onto the appropriate path. Now, from that point, it doesn't sound too bad does it?
When you write down your goals on a piece of paper and try to map out the best possible route to achieving it, all by yourself, indirectly you are creating a sense of hope and excitement. You realise that you actually need to work towards those goals and it is likely achievable if you were to just sit and do nothing about it. Saying a prayer is very similar. Just because you're praying doesn't mean you need not do anything else. You still need to take actions and not just rely on your prayers. How can your prayers be answered if you don't proof yourself worthwhile?
Next comes the question of, what if my prayers are NOT answered? Welcome aboard. As i'm typing this, my eyes are feeling rather heavy and my head is spinning from the amount of crying I did today. At 2pm I received the call which put an end to my dream of getting the job that I actually believed was meant for me. I remember the interview like it was yesterday and meeting all those people on the way to the interview and my interviewers. I thought the signs couldn't have been any more clear. I was feeling great and the interview went well. There were initially three of us, then it was down to two. I just felt it was right. Was it the exact job I wanted? No. That said, it was in the right industry and it had a really good brand name and I JUST HAD A FEELING IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE. So, imagine my devastation. I was down on my knees as soon as I hung up the phone and lost control of the tears flowing. It went on for awhile. It stopped. Started again. Then it stopped. Well, you get the point.
But now, I have two options, I can either a) continue feeling the same way I felt about it when I received the call or b) Move on. As humans, we tend to look for excuses to give us a reason to do something. So, what's my reason for moving on? Simple. The job wasn't meant for me. Then why did it feel so right at the time? Because I was making myself believe it was meant for me, after all, it wasn't exactly the type of role that I am looking for, but hey, being out of a job for 2 months now, working for a massive company in a challenging environment eventhough the role wasn't right, didn't seem too much of a problem for me. But owh well!
Like the song Don't Worry, Child from Swedish House Mafia, I tell myself Heaven's got a plan for me. I just PRAY it's sooner rather than later. I see myself as a strong, confident young lady ready to embrace whatever life throws to me, but really, for now, all i'm seeking for is answers.
I just wish I knew for sure my prayers are being heard and that there IS another, better plan in store for me. Hence why, I find the strength to continue praying. Because praying somehow gives me calmness. It shifts my disappointment to a more somewhat confused place,perhaps, but the devastating feeling is replaced by a sense of hope that something better is coming along. You know why? Because i'm not giving up just yet. Not now, not ever.
That's why I think I pray. It helps me move on. Praying helps me wake up to a new tomorrow. There's a lot of thinking of mix feelings going on as I typed this entry. I hope it makes sense.
