So, I had recently experienced my first real failure. I have been studying for my professional papers for a while now and had sat for the final paper about a month ago. Two weeks back, the results were released and imagine my shock and disappointment when I had the words FAIL staring right at my face. I felt like my whole career was coming crashing down. My other colleagues had passed, and I was the only one spared. Were they better than me?
I say it is my first REAL failure because I really did study for it and I was definitely expecting to pass. I had my hopes high. The family had their hopes high for me too. And I let them down. Correction, I let myself down. I know I can re-sit for it, but, that wasn't the point. The point was that I had put in all my effort into studying for it, and yet, I somehow had not managed to achieve what I had set out to do. Where did I go wrong? A question that still bugs me when I'm awake late in the nights. Was it my over confidence? Or was it just pure un-luckiness? Perhaps it was just my expectations that things like this always has to go well for high achievers such as myself.
I gave myself a time period of a week to dwell on this matter. I would cry myself to sleep and feel so small of myself. When I woke up in the mornings, I'd cry silently, letting my tears flow along with the water from the shower. I kept on reminding myself that I needed to be stronger than this and crying over spilt milk is not going to change anything. But I still felt the disappointment in me and even as I write this now, I feel the anger and frustration that is just waiting to ruin my evening.
At the end of the week, I told myself that I have had enough and I need to change. I gave myself enough time for self pity and it is now time to move on. Do I still think of it? Well of course. But, do I let this failure take over my day? No. Not anymore. I can talk about it these days and yet, it now seems rather difficult for me to shed a tear for it. Perhaps my tears have all run dry.
That failure is now in my past. I unfortunately do not have the luxury of turning back time. I have however, the power to shape my future. I have re-enrolled for the course and will sit for the exam in October. This time, I WILL make it better. I have to.
How did I manage to overcome this blunder you ask? Simple, once realising that I was in no means to change the situation, I started shifting my focus instead. Rather than concentrating on what I didn't have (that PASS sign), I chose to see what I had. I still have my job. That's always a good start. I still have the opportunity to re sit for this. And most importantly, I still have the family support to get through this hurdle. No one labelled me as stupid for missing out on that 2 marks. It was I who had concluded that myself.
Over the weekend, we went to watch Batman- The Dark Knight Rises, and this is what I got out of it (besides of course, the fact that a well built man in a mask with a sexy voice is simply to die for) - We all fall so that we can rise again. And we do - with the support of others and the determination inside us, we rise a lot higher and never fall in the same pit again.
If you're reading this, as always, do pen down your thoughts. I'd much appreciate it.
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